I don't typically do this shit publicly anymore, but I just need to vent.
My life is going pretty well now. I've got job interviews out the ass and I'm really close to finishing my thesis.
Why, then, am I totally fucking miserable? I don't know. I feel like a tool for feeling this bad, but that doesn't change the fact that I am depressed. I've tried reasoning it away as hard as I can, but it hasn't worked.
One of the main reasons, as far as I can tell, is that none of the jobs I've been interviewing for and can realistically take are game industry. I thought that internship at Activision would have gotten me back in no problem, but evidently not. I had an onsite interview at a defense contractor yesterday and I have an interview with a company that makes CAD software next week. I've had phone interviews with them, a company in Japan, and a company in California. The job in Japan is really the closest to what I want to do with my career (game middleware), but despite my love for many Japanese nerd things, the thought of moving to Japan is actually really terrifying. That and I don't want to be stuck at any of these companies for a long time. I want to make games and nothing is going to change that.
Another, arguably larger, reason is that my personal life is nonexistent. My best friends are hundreds of miles away, I have no time to do art or cosplay these days, and I barely have time to play video games anymore. If I take one of the local jobs, I'll probably have some free time again, maybe my best friends will move back here soon, and then I'll just have a lame job for a while. If I take the job in Japan, almost all of my friends will be in different time zones and I might hate it there, but I'll have a cool job for a while. Then there's the issue of being ronery/forever alone/whatever the fuck you want to call it, but that's not worth talking about or even really trying to address because I have more important things to do. That hasn't stopped other people from trying to hook me up with people I don't care about or ever want to meet, of course. I can't deny that this has also been affecting my mood, though. If I could undo millions of years of human evolutionary biology, I would.
I really shouldn't be as depressed as I am. I have it pretty good.
But the fact of that matter is I hate my life right now.